Cinema Sundays - House of the Dead

Sigh...

It was only a matter of time here on Cinema Sundays until I encountered a Uwe Boll film. For those not in the know, Uwe Boll is notorious amongst gamers for making terrible live action adaptations of video games, leaving dead and dying franchises in his wake. Not that cinema had had a good track record with video games, but Uwe Boll didn't help things. So, perhaps it's apropos that I watched one of his earliest films and first video game adaptation: House of the Dead.

Gamers across the world shall rue the day I started acquiring licenses!

Admittedly this is not the first Uwe Boll movie I have seen. I saw Bloodrayne in theatres. With my mother...which made for some awkward moments. And, since Uwe's legacy as a franchise tarnisher is all but historical fact these days I went into this movie with far lower expectations. Also, the internet apparently considers this one of the worst films ever made. Defying critical receptions, Uwe Boll maintains that this is the best adaptation of the series that could be made.

(with 14 producers anyway)

Mark A. Altman	...	executive producer
Dan Bates	...	executive producer
Uwe Boll	...	producer
Dan Clarke	...	line producer
Mark Gottwald	...	executive producer
Wolfgang Herold	...	producer
Daniel S. Kletzky	...	executive producer (as Daniel Kletzky)
Christoph Nuehlen	...	producer: behind-the-scenes
Michael Roesch	...	co-executive producer
Dan Sales	...	associate producer
Philip Selkirk	...	associate producer
Jonathan Shore	...	associate producer
Max Wanko	...	associate producer
Shawn Williamson	...	producer

Sonic Sez: Wikipedia and the Internet don't lie!

So, with that little preamble aside, lets take a look at house of the dead!

So, House of the Dead takes your typical horror movie plotline (group of sex hangry teens go to remote location, get redrum'ed) and, instead of a cabin in the woods, the teens go to a cabin in the woods on an island (creatively titled the Island of the Dead [remember - 14 producers]) in the Caribbean. The movie opens with our group of teens (Simon, Greg, Alicia, Karma, and Cynthia) trying to get to this island for the RAVE OF THE CENTURY!!! (spoliers: its not) but they have missed the ship that was to take all the ravers to an equatorial island...ya know...like ravers do. 

Hey Guys! You know what would make this even better?! Two words: tropical island.

So, the group of sex hangry teens try to find a boat to get themselves to said island and said rave. Near the docks they see another boat that is run by...Jürgen Prochnow???

Not sure exactly why he is in the film....other than maybe Prochnow and Boll knew each other and Boll wanted some star talent and Prochnow needed a paycheck?

Oh...and Clint Howard's in this too. He (Salish) is that stereotypical superstitious harbinger of doom / person that warns you to "Don't go to the (house, cabin, mansion, etc)" in this movie. Its always fun to see a character actor in a movie. Oh! Clint Howard gets to see some boobs too.

Heh. 'B'-Movie Actor indeed.

Wait...where was I? Oh yeah! House of the Dead Acting Careers. ANYWHO. The sex hangry teens give Prochnow's character (Kirk) $1000 to go to this RAVE OF THE CENTURY! Kirk, seeing the local federal inspector wandering the docks, decides to take the teens to the island. However, the inspector (Jordan), after her demands to come aboard are ignored, decides to tail Kirk to see what he is up to.

I'm trying to think if we get any expository dialogue here. But I don't think we do, other than Isla Del Muerte had a bloody history, going back to its initial colonization by the Spanish and its use as a penal colony. Oh, and a storm is inbound as well. 

But they finally get to the island and the RAVE OF THE CENTURY!!#!#@^@!32

Because nothing says rave like a midday session under a blazing tropical sun with a $15 toy from Imaginarium.

Probably the closest thing we'll get to a live adaptation of Space Channel 5 however...

However, by the time Kirk drops off our hangry teens and they make their way through the tropical island to the rave, it is deserted and destroyed.

Just your average Uwe Boll set, really.

But this doesn't deter the sex hangry teens who, after getting a few free beers and idly wondering where everything is and why the RAVE OF THE CENTURY is a DMZ, most of them decide to have sex then and there. However, few of our plucky heroes decide to wander through...a forest of conifers? and find a creepy house.

Your grasp on sub-tropical flora is shaky Boll. 

Inside the house they find several people who we learn are survivors from the RAVE OF THE CENTURY and, as it turns out, this island is home to hordes of bloodthirsty zombies.

As riveting as this plot is, I do want to take a moment and talk about the zombies in this movie. They are, I think, one of the highlights of this movie and I want to give props to Boll in not only using practical effects in this movie, but using a wide variety of styles and looks for his zombies in this movie and basing them off of zombies from the House of the Dead video game series, to a degree. 

 Dredged up ocean zombies

Bog zombies

 Mummy zombies

 Moss zombies

Rob zombies

Sure, in scenes with lots of zombies running around you have your standard 'zombie', and, in some cases, people with no makeup or costumes at all, with Boll relying upon shaky camera work and the nighttime setting to fool the viewers.

Nice springboard Boll. Caught you!

So, at around this point we are at, roughly, the halfway mark in the movie and a little more plot emerges before our plucky sex hangry teens start running around the woods in the dark some more. 

After it is revealed there are hordes of zombies running around the island, they decide to go back to the site of the RAVE OF THE CENTURY to collect the rest of their group and get off the island. However, when they get back to the rest of the group, they meet up with Jordan who had tailed Kirk and Salish to the island. Luckily she has some guns. Additionally, it turns out, Kirk has not left the island after all, as he is apparently a smuggler running Cuban cigars, rum, and whatever else the movie needs. Which are guns. Lots and lots of guns.

 Automatic Shotgun thingy? Sure.

 Pistols? Why Not.

 Lots of weapons!

Toss some automatics in there too.

Now, after all of this is revealed between zombie chase scenes,

And LOTR ripoffs

the group learns the ocean is full of zombies that can swim and stuff from Kirk. So, they decide to flee back to the creepy house they just fled from. The group, now armed to the teeth, faces the zombie hordes and we get about a solid 10 minutes of over the top zombie slaughter-fest. It is always fun when a director just has the characters mow down hordes of zombies with guns. The editing does detract from this a bit as Boll interjects video game footage throughout this scene which is a bit jarring and Boll spams that slow-mo 360 camera shot that everyone wanted to do after the Matrix hit theaters. But hey, the scene was fun to watch both for its content and odd cinematography choices.

At this point in the movie people start dying left and right, leaving roughly two or three people in the house. Kirk, dying from a wound, blows himself up with TNT, and one of the sex hangry teens who has a small facial wound is convinced no one will ever love him because he is now 'hideous' also blows himself up.

And Jordan dies from terrible CGI Leg syndrome.

But, CasualJohn, where is the plot in all of this? Ah. Good question. Remember when I told you that this island used to be a Spanish penal colony? (teehee) Well, as our hangry teens find out, one of the people banished to this island hundreds of years ago was a Spanish scientist (Castillo) who had discovered immortality. Unable to kill him, the Spanish tossed him on a Caribbean island. Isla Del Muerte. He has endured his punishment well, using the intervening centuries to improve his craft, kill anyone that comes to the island, harvest necessary parts, and zombie-ify the rest.

Imma so scary. GRR!

So, after the outer parts of the house are blown up by Kirk, and the interior is blown up by whatshisface (with a keg of black powder exposed to the elements for 400 years I might add), they find a trapdoor which leads them to Castillo's lair.

Look at all the exposition!

It is here we learn the secret to immortality and how the zombies have been made for centuries: "Its in the blood!"

Anyway, we're almost to the end here. Turns out Castillo needs hangry girl and rave dude for parts and such. The girl and dude, who met each other like 20 minutes ago, are now in love each other, and so they fight to escape. They blow the lair up with grenades (Kirk had some of those too by the by), and then the college chick has a sword fight with Castillo. Well...I won't spoil the movie's ending...well...I'll just say that people die, yet the rave dude and hangry girl escape the island regardless.

And thats House of the Dead. So, is it one of the worst movies ever made? By no means. It isn't necessarily good, and isn't a top tier 'so bad its good' movie either. But it is fun at points in its lack of movie logic and odd editing choices. The acting is fairly bland, the plot is quite thin, and the villain is barely in the movie. However, I enjoyed the practical effects and Prochnow constantly running around with guns shooting things. And I give props to this movie for, in spots, providing us with creative zombies. Conquistador zombies? Yes please. As someone who is beyond tired of zombies in EVERYTHING these days, this movie was refreshing in that regard. Although I think 2003 was just before the #zombifyeverything pop culture phenomenon. Plus, being bitten in this movie didn't necessarily mean zombieness was transferred to you. (Zombies done via SCIENCE!, remember?) So, props for that too. 

But, is this a 'House of the Dead' movie? Not really. It has nothing at all to do with the series, in plot, in location, in characters, in anything beyond the zombies. Boll stated that this was a prequel to everything that takes place in the game series, yet this has nothing in common with them. So, I don't buy that. The series had a lot of material to work with....

Ok...well...sorta...

But, given that this movie was largely unprofitable (it made $13.8 million from a $12 million budget) and Boll only made some money back via. a German tax-loophole does give this movie negative marks. Further, the fact he maintains that he made the best House of the Dead movie anyone could make, and the fact that it has little to do with the game series or pays little heed to the franchise also serves to detract from this film. That aside, I do give this movie a recommend. The dvd for this is super cheap and, if nothing else, its 80 minutes of some laughs.

And Boll has the gall to end this on a cliffhanger and sequel hook. Like that'll ever happen.

@#$@#()%^&*^